my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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