i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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