So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
