I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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