this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I think I won the penis lottery.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
