Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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