Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
