Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
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#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
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Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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