its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize