Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
