i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
