I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Still dying that you shit outside
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
