that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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