he puts the penis in happiness.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
