I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I pour the whiskey from now on
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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