Only a mothe r could love this liver
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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