I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
