Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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