he thought i was a dude.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
