I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
ttyl tear gas
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
