He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
