i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
