Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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