I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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