Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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