I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We need to get me chipped asap
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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