I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
