You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
