We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
