the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
