your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize