He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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