Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My balls are so social today.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
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My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
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What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.