Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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