At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
