Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
