I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
PANTIES FOUND
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