Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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