I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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