Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
