Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
