Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
