Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.