found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
