Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
