I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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