every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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