Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
