I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
