My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
