so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
