She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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