spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
