I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
